Who Moved My Cheese?

who moved my cheese book cover I’ve never read the damn book but it poses an important question: Who the fuck moved my shit? My “shit” is not cheese, but it is a solid reason to get out of bed in the morning–job security, relationships, skinny jeans.

Anyone who told me my thirties are going to be the best years of my life deserves to be punched in the face. The day I turned 30, I went into a deep depressive state where the only thing that gave me solace was sitting on my bathroom floor listening to Billy Joel’s “Captain Jack” and “Allentown” on repeat. From there, I went on to break up with my boyfriend of two years–the one I thought was the one (we named our future children for christ’s sake)–and go back out into the dating world, which today consists of being “matched” by a computer with men by the names of Aruyn and LoveBoat69 and heights ranging from 5’4″ to 5’8″. I was 5’4″ in third grade!

But all of this was ok. Equipped with 50 milligrams of Prozac and a job that I loved going to each day, I was treading like an Olympian in the unknown tides of 30. I was so proud of myself (and thankful for a doc who realized after 30 minutes of meeting with me that my dosage needed to be upped); I was feeling happy despite the loss of a long-term relationship.  And then like Lot, who unlike me believed in a loving God, the universe decided to strike again. My boss at my beloved job decided to leave to pursue her next chapter. One loss is doable, but two? Is this supposed to make me believe in a loving God or in a god at all? Is Ashton Kutcher going to come out and say “you’ve been punked!”?

The one religion I’ve always been able to get down with is Buddhism and there’s a passage that always helps me get through transitional periods in my life: It’s about a man who uses a raft to cross a river–the foolish man carries the raft with him wherever he goes in case he needs to use it again. The wise man appreciates that the raft got him across the river but leaves it behind so as not to be burdened with it. After all, who says the same raft can get you across another river? I’m trying to use that quote right now but it’s not working. When change is sudden and unexpected it lets the air out of your tires. I’m driving around at half the speed I was a week ago. How do I fix that? I need more shit!

If I’m going to lose things like a boyfriend, a good boss, and jeans that I fit into, then I need to gain other things, good things. Right now I just feel like I’m being toyed with–just how much can I get through and still keep my head above water, stay away from the bottom?

I compare taking meds to being buoyed; I can see the beautiful sunny sky above and I can see the cold, dark depth below and stay in the middle of both. What I really want though, is to be anchored. I want a place where I can always dock, a place that will always be there–protection from the unpredictable sea that I know now is life.

The problem is, I can lose weight, I can run to the people I love and ask them never to leave, for things to never change and to stay good until I’m ready, but someone or something is always going to be moved.

*(I think today’s bookstore purchase will be Who Moved My Cheese?, after I finish Tina Fey’s Bossypants, of course.)

“Love lost, such a cost/Give me things that don’t get lost/Like a coin that won’t get tossed/Rolling home to you.”


3 responses to “Who Moved My Cheese?

  1. Wow, as always your writing does not disappoint. You can express so well what is in your heart (as well I am sure many people’s hearts). I so understand that picture of the cat hanging by his paws just trying to keep his head above the tree limb or as you so aptly put ” your head above water” but the cat will land on his feet and the fish can swim to the bottom and back up again; and so will you.

  2. dara life is constant chanage- who knows better than me. some people can lan their lives down to a t- but some of us…………..you will survive again. i do think we are tested from time to time. and that old cliche- what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. we go through dark periods in our lives- but there is light at the end of the tunnel. stay strong.

  3. Dara, you are a GREAT writer. Maybe “God” gave that ability to you. It is a release of frustration.This will pass. When I look back at my life there where so many decisions I made that I second guessed myself about e.g: business,marrige,love,children,etc. and now I’m in my twilight years I look back and say ” everything that’s happened was for a “reason” of which it’s too earley for you to see that. You are intelligent, attractive, talented, and a good person.You have your life'” values “and you should never yield for anything or any person that makes you settle for less. Be yourself always. And if any comes your way that doesn’t meet your standards or ” values” Do not settle for anything less……..xoxox….That’s all for now.

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